Too bad life beat me to it, right?? God…  I can’t even explain to you how much shit is on my emotional plate right now, if that makes any sense to you. I’ve received the worst news and seen some things I never wanted to see within the past week specifically.  And it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna end anytime soon. I wish I could scream about my problems.  About the problems of others that are tightly intertwined with my life.  But I can’t.  Because it’s no one’s business, no matter how much I wish they would help the situations.  Or help me deal with them.  Or just listen to what my mind is doing. I can’t allow any of it to happen. It sucks. It really does. I realized long ago how deep my attachments run.  And now here I am watching the only two entities on the face of the earth that I don’t want to go a day without hit some tough times.  Very tough. And I may or may not be able to do anything about it. And no one will know the severity of these situations I’m in.  No one will know the pain I swallow every morning, every night, and every second I’m consciously thinking of anything at all. I throw myself into coding and I sleep.  Those are my only breaks.  And the amount of peace they bring me is the bare minimum. I need help and there’s nothing anyone could do even if I told them everything. I am helpless. And I hate that. I resent it. I’m beginning to resent myself because if I can’t change it, I should be able to just take it with no pain.  No guilt.  And it seems I’m incapable of something like that. Absolutely not wired for it. But at this point, I’m beginning to believe that I might be wired for destroying everything. Can’t say I’m surprised, though.  We all saw that coming.

Too bad life beat me to it, right??

God…  I can’t even explain to you how much shit is on my emotional plate right now, if that makes any sense to you.

I’ve received the worst news and seen some things I never wanted to see within the past week specifically.  And it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna end anytime soon.

I wish I could scream about my problems.  About the problems of others that are tightly intertwined with my life.  But I can’t.  Because it’s no one’s business, no matter how much I wish they would help the situations.  Or help me deal with them.  Or just listen to what my mind is doing.

I can’t allow any of it to happen.

It sucks.

It really does.

I realized long ago how deep my attachments run.  And now here I am watching the only two entities on the face of the earth that I don’t want to go a day without hit some tough times.  Very tough.

And I may or may not be able to do anything about it.

And no one will know the severity of these situations I’m in.  No one will know the pain I swallow every morning, every night, and every second I’m consciously thinking of anything at all.

I throw myself into coding and I sleep.  Those are my only breaks.  And the amount of peace they bring me is the bare minimum.

I need help and there’s nothing anyone could do even if I told them everything.

I am helpless.

And I hate that.

I resent it.

I’m beginning to resent myself because if I can’t change it, I should be able to just take it with no pain.  No guilt.  And it seems I’m incapable of something like that.

Absolutely not wired for it.

But at this point, I’m beginning to believe that I might be wired for destroying everything.

Can’t say I’m surprised, though.  We all saw that coming.

(Source: notveryimportant, via kushr0lled)

  • January 4
  • , 2012
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    Too bad life beat me to it, right?? God… I can’t even explain to you how much shit is on my emotional plate right now,...
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